Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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