I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Someone came in the potted fern
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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