I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
