just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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