I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
