Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
