I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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