Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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