I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Someone came in the potted fern
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
