please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
