i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
