and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
