Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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