If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
