grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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