I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
