do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
