My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
