I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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