Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
