The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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