I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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