He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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