i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
