I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
