I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
