I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
