My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
