We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
