now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
