The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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