More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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