Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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