I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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