My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
How's work?
Spinning.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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