you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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