I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
