we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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