Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
