If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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