My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
