i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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