Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
