Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
