Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
