I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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