Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wish my penis had a tongue
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
