I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
