her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
