I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
