You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
