i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
