goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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